Flawless

“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.”

Mahatma Gandhi

 

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I was standing with a coworker, one day, at my second job. She’s a lot taller than me, and, thus, in my opinion, a lot prettier. She was telling me about a phone interview she was awaiting with a prominent local children’s hospital. She’s in school for photography and was hoping for a summer internship in their photography/retouching department. I was caught off-guard when she asked for advice, from me. I didn’t know if she truly thought I was someone that could help her in this arena, or if she was grasping at straws due to her overwhelming nerves. I told her to be as professional as possible, to have her phone ready about 15 minutes before the interview—not to be on any other applications that may interrupt the call. I told her to try her best to project confidence, and not to be redundant.

 

“What kind of questions do you think they’re going to ask?” she inquired, after I informed her that my mother has worked in Human Resources for over 20 years.

 

I gave her some examples. “They’re going to ask you things like why you would be a good fit for their company, what your specific skills and accomplishments are…”

 

My coworker nodded as if she were taking mental notes.

 

“…this is your opportunity to brag about yourself, in a professional way, of course. Avoid clichés, but definitely promote yourself,” I told her. “Like if they ask you what your weaknesses are—give an answer that spins it into a positive.”

 

My coworker looked stumped.

 

“Let’s say your weakness is that you’re very chatty. This could get you in trouble sometimes because it could appear you’re not working or you’re longwinded. Spin it by telling them you have a very outgoing and amiable personality that seems to draw others into you.”

 

This intrigued her and she began to smile. “I like that. I like that,” she said.

 

I smiled back…

 

But I began to ponder what my real weaknesses and flaws were and how I have been spinning them…

 

 

Do you ever see that post on facebook—that one from your “friend” from high school that is always posting stuff. It’s vague and self-consuming. It says something like, “Well that’s what I get for having a big heart,” or “I’d give someone the shirt off my back…” or “My problem is I care too much.” I can think of very few things that annoy me more than this type of cry for attention. You don’t care too much. There is no such thing as caring too much. The issue is where you are focusing that compassionate energy. If you care too much about your father who has let you down more times than you can count, or your boyfriend who has stolen from you and taken advantage of you, or your addiction to drugs A, B, and C—then you are setting yourself up to get bitten in le arse. Your weakness is your inability to focus your energy on positive things. Your weakness is making poor decisions. You have spun it into being compassionate and caring. But if you love the wrong things, they will never love you back.

 

 

So what am I spinning into a positive, that really shouldn’t be? So what are Kelsea’s weaknesses? What am I posting on facebook in a desperate plea for attention?! A few things come to mind…

The first being that I don’t need to go back to school. This is the part where I tell you that I’m an artist, that my goals for myself include creating things for a living. That my “plan” is music, and that I don’t believe in backup plans. I may even tell you that I tried college (because.. well.. I did.) and that it wasn’t for me. But the reality is that I feel like I’m already too old to start over. That I wasted 3 years of my life investing in something that wasn’t investing in me. That I’m afraid to fail at school. That I don’t really know what I want for my future. I’m not too free-spirited for school like I have been telling myself… I’m too scared.

 

Ouch. That hurt to type out. How else can I be vulnerable, today?

 

I think another weakness of mine is my neediness. I fight it on a daily basis by trying to live as independently as possible. I keep myself as busy as I can, I do as much as I can, and I live as quickly as possible. But when it is 10pm and I am watching Mad Men in bed by myself, I close my eyes and fantasize about having someone next to me. I hate this about myself: I truly do. How am I spinning this? I spin it by telling myself I’m just romantic. That this could really be love that I’m feeling. That if I close myself off to these feelings, I won’t ever be happy. That to be a good writer and singer, I have to be as romantic as possible. But honestly—I’m just lonely. I’m a lonely, needy, whiny little girl that wants to cuddle. All the time. Not the tea-drinking, “I’m-never-getting-married”, Hilary Clinton, “WHO-RUNS-THE-WORLD?!” woman I project.

 

Are you done being friends with me, yet? Cool, cause I have one more.

 

 

I’m mega unorganized. Emphasis on “mega.” My bedroom, my car, desk, my life are all a mess. I have spurts of cleanliness. I feel peaceful when the aforementioned list is “tidy.” However, that peace is not potent enough to change, what I have spun to be, a personality trait. Yes, it’s just who I am. The most creative people are messy, right? Beauty comes from chaos and disorder, yah? There’s no point in trying to change me: I’m am who I am.

Wrong.

 

 

“You are what you believe you are.” – CS Lewis

 

 

 

 

 

Who do you believe you are?

 

 

XO KB

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