I found a song that used to be my anthem back in 2010.
Almost ten years ago.
Oh, if only I could go back and whisper words of wisdom to myself back then.
I think I would whisper to her the words of this song:
“If I made my bed in Hell,
You’d come stay the night.
It matters not how far I run,
I’d still find You by my side.
If I used ten thousand words to
convince you that I’m through
You’d just call my heart a liar.
Cause I’m sick with love for You.”
Now that I’ve been alive for close to thirty years (oy vey) I’m noticing patterns in my relationships and in my spirit. I push people away. I always wrestle with an urge to leave, or escape. I’m often cold and selfish and independent. Defense mechanisms, you might say. Personality traits, perhaps. They help me in some areas in my life, but I’ve grown to know them to be flaws. They keep me from truly letting people all the way in. I can only imagine how much love I’ve missed out on in this life by just being a standoffish spirit.
But this song, (and the Psalms its written from), are a hug from my Mom telling me that I’m perfect, ya know? I can push God away as much as I’d like, but He will never stop being jealous for me. I could take up residence in Hell and He would still come to my rescue. He knows me better than I know me, and loves so completely and unconditionally. It’s overwhelming.
You are better at redeeming me than I’ll ever be at running from you.