On Disconnect

“God can’t give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing.”
― C.S. Lewis

 

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I’ve had several blogs in my lifetime, and even more journals, notebooks, legal pads, and receipts with my thoughts on them. I’ve never stopped writing ever since I first learned. And while there are many cohesions between all of my writings (loneliness, poetry, sarcasm, over use of italics, and my never-ending love of “dialogue,” said Kelsea) the one thing I’ve never stopped writing about (because I’ve never fully conquered) is that supreme disconnect between my head and my heart, that RUNS my life. I am well aware, in my brain and my mind and my head and between my eyeballs, of what I need to do to change my life for the better or to achieve my dreams, but what my limbs actually end up doing is often quite different. There’s a head and a heart divide, if you will.

 

To make this a little more understandable (as I am 1000% certain I make sense to no one but myself, and that is sometimes questionable) I’ll offer an example. Six months ago, I made the decision to leave my boyfriend of 3 years, and his 5 year old son. It was a painful decision but one that I am ultimately very happy and proud of myself for making. It was a moment of clarity for me—where I finally decided to allow my brain and my heart to be in sync and act in cohesion. However, there was an unaccounted amount of time where my head questioned if I was wasting time in this relationship, but my heart allowed me to stay.

The Supreme Disconnect.

 

So how do I remedy this disconnect? How do I make myself do what my head says to do, instead of what my heart longs to do?

 

 

That’s the ultimate question, isn’t it? I think we’re living in a society and an age and a generation (oooh buzz words!) with the “IDGAF” mentality. I bought into this ideal a lot when I first became single. I was finally embracing that typical “life” of a 22 year old and therefore, I was supposed to “not give a fuck.” Right? I was supposed to do whatever the hell I wanted, because my 50 year old mother told me I was young and someone just posted a really pretty photo of Rihanna flippin the bird that said “give no fucks” and I have no kids and no man and no strings and minimal responsibilities… so… give no fucks. That’s supposed to apply to me. Right?  Right? This is not the time in my life to tell myself “no” to anything, because “I’d rather live a life of “oh wells” than “what if’s?” RIGHT? Self-control and discipline and responsibility will all be around for my entire life. I have 60+ years to worry about that stuff and I’m supposed to sleep when I’m dead… right? “22” is for giving no fucks. No fucks given. I always get whatever I want…

 

 

Right?

 

 

 

As fun as that way of life is—it’s disconnected. And apart from the multiple “Cons” in living that lifestyle, (ruining your health/body, your financial situation, your career, your future, etc.), the big negative that stuck out to me is how emotionally, spiritually, and mentally disconnected I felt. My logical brain was never tuning up with my uncaged, untamed, wild-horse emotions. What I wanted and what I needed were never anywhere near the same ballpark. So apart from always being sleepy, gaining weight, losing weight, gaining bags under my eyes, and getting in a few arguments—my character was out of whack. My integrity was in question. I was unhappy and unfulfilled.

 

 

So how did I make my head and my heart line up in the first place? How’d I even get here? Leaving my boyfriend was the right decision, right? What did I do to actually make myself think and act responsibly?

 

I talked to God.

 

 

I’ve learned, very quickly, that if I leave anything to my own devices, I will utterly and miserably fail. And it’s not because I’m a sucky person, or because I’m lazy or untalented. It’s because I’m human; born into sinful nature, and doomed from the get-go. I am nothing, I can accomplish nothing, I can GAIN nothing, without Christ. Point blank.  And as I reflected on my life, I realized that the moments that felt the best, the looked the best, that yielded the greatest results were when I “gave a fuck.” And when I did so, about our Lord.

 

 

I remember asking God, over and over and over and over, “God, if this relationship is not of you, if this is not your will for me, give me an out.” Dig me a tunnel, find me a fire escape, and build me a bridge— whatever. And not because I was stuck in that situation against my will or anything—but because I knew I wasn’t strong enough to do it on my own.

 

The coolest thing about God is that He is listening when you think He’s not, and He’s always working.

 

So if you find yourself in the same predicament that I am always finding myself in, (“I know I need to be doing this… but I’m gonna do this instead…”) or always screwing up, or always failing…

Or simply not where you want to be in life…

 

Please remember that the disconnect you are feeling is there for a reason. And that the more YOU try to repair it yourself, the harder you’re probably going to fall. You were bought at a price. God gave his firstborn son specifically to make your life WHOLE. To give you hope and a future.

 

 

 

You just have to actually “give a fuck.”

 

 

XO KB

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