Feeling: “Feelings, feelings and feelings. Let me try thinking instead.” – CS Lewis
Now that I’ve risen from the ashes of pregnancy and fly on the Phoenix wings of motherhood, (God, I’m dramatic), I have fully come to terms with one life lesson: Life is not about me.
It’s just not.
So how am I feeling? What am I feeling? Does it honestly really even matter? I’d argue that it doesn’t. Regardless of my mood, I still have to get up and do the things I have to do to take care of my family and get us closer to our goals, every day. But also regardless of my mood, I have a smiling, chunky, beautiful little boy that is so totally in love with me.
I feel loved. I feel like a mother. I feel complete.
I’ve devoted my commute to time with God. So my car rides sound like a very contemporary Christian worship service. (see: “Whole Heart,” “Good Grace,” “What a Beautiful Name,” “As You Find Me,” and “Another in the Fire” – all by Hillsong UNITED)
But I’ve also succumbed to the mainstream forces of the likes of *gulp* Billie Eilish, Dan + Shay and Kacey Musgraves. (Who am I with all this country? Sheesh.)
For the sake of trying to be myself, I will recommend you listen to Allen Stone’s latest album, specifically “Give You Blue.” What a gem of a singer he is. Truly unrivaled.
You can also listen to my “Workflowz” playlist on Spotify here. It might be my best playlist yet.
Celebrating: 6 Months of Gunner. 6 Months of Motherhood. 6 Months of Breastfeeding.
There are plenty of other accomplishments and milestones I could have listed here. The fact that we have officially become homeowners, the huge raise I got, or that we’ve been together for almost 4 years, now.
But nothing has been harder, more challenging and more rewarding than the past six months.
Every time your friend posts a photo of her child on a blanket with a number circled, just know that she is not just celebrating the passage of time and of keeping her child alive. She has also kept herself alive. She’s survived things like extraordinary fatigue, ceaseless intrusive thoughts, unexplainable mental anguish, post-partum depression and stress beyond your wildest dreams. So like that pic and send her a heart emoji, okay?
Thinking About: My Son, 24/7.
How could you not constantly have this face on your mind?
Eating: Guess what? I cook now. Lol. Some of my fave recipes below:
Looking For: Interior Design Halp
Bam! We bought a house. It’s perfect, but it needs some updating. I would love to pretend like I am the 2020 version of 2002’s Vern Yiip, but alas, I’m more of a low budget, wannabe Joanna Gaines. We have a 1.5 story home with vaulted ceilings and a loft. WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS SPACE?!?!
You can follow along with all of our renovations to our home on Instagram and (maybe even a blog?) @thehilliardhome
Supporting: Working Mothers (aka.. all mothers)
I had a couple of very hard days in 2019. One of them was leaving my son in the arms of strangers to go sit at a desk and try not to cry for eight hours. Working (out of the home) Moms… y’all are fucking warriors. WE are fucking warriors.
Wearing: a hat… always.
So, since becoming pregnant, Derek and I have combined our bank accounts and paid down just about every debt in the universe, saved a shit ton of money and *ta da* bought a house! But that means Mama is not longer getting her $500 sew-ins every three months and her mani-pedis every few weeks. I can’t tell you how flipping ugly I feel without these things. Frivolous as they are, I just don’t feel like myself. So if you see me in a baseball hat at Kroger chugging a White Chocolate Mocha at 9am… don’t talk to me unless you’re going to tell me I’m pretty.
Drinking: Venti White Chocolate Mocha (hot) with whipped cream and Carmel Drizzle
Extra shot of espresso, plz.
In Need Of: A Tattoo Artist
Girl, I have three tattoos that mean a lot to me but don’t mean crap compared to how much I love my son and how much he’s changed my life. The canvas of my body needs to pay homage to Gunner Xavier.
What are you #currently?
xo Gunner’s Mom